If you grew up in a home where love came with conditions – where affection had to be earned by getting good grades, doing what you were told without question, or always being the “strong one” – then chances are, you’re still feeling the weight of that conditioning in your adult relationships. Especially if you’re a high-achieving Black woman who’s been taught that worth equals work.
And listen, this isn’t about blaming your parents or caregivers. Most of them were just doing what they knew how to do, based on the love (or lack thereof) they received. But you are the one now dealing with the fallout – feeling like you’re only valuable when you’re doing, fixing, providing, or performing. But this is conditional love.
So let’s talk about how conditional love shows up later in life, how it impacts your relationship with yourself and others, and what you can do to start healing.
What Conditional Love Really Teaches You
Conditional love isn’t always loud or obvious. It doesn’t have to come with harsh words or full-on rejection. Sometimes, it’s as subtle as:
- Only getting praised when you bring home straight A’s.
- Feeling extra warmth when you’re being helpful, but distance or silence when you’re struggling.
- Getting told “good girls don’t do that” when you assert yourself or express big feelings.
- Learning early that being easygoing, unassuming, or agreeable got you more love – or at least less conflict.
Here’s the message that sinks in: Who you are isn’t enough. You have to earn love.
And that message burrows deep. It becomes the quiet voice that says:
“If I don’t keep it all together, no one will want me.”
“If I stop achieving, I stop mattering.”
“If I express my needs, they’ll leave.”
“If I can’t fix their problems, why would they keep me around?”
Now fast forward to adulthood. Those same messages show up like an uninvited guest in all your most important relationships; with friends, family, significant others, and even in the workplace!
The Aftermath: How Conditional Love Shows Up in Adulthood
Now, this is, by no means, an exhaustive list of the myriad ways that the impacts of conditional love can show up in your adult life. But these are the three that I’ve seen have the most negative effects on relationships, as they truly alter the way that you show up and your beliefs about what you are allowed to expect from the people in your life.
1. Contingent Self-Worth
You might look like a whole success story on the outside – degree in hand, steady job, beautiful home – but inside? You feel like a house of cards. Because you learned that love had to be earned, your sense of self-worth is fragile. It rises and falls with every mistake, every failure, every time someone pulls away.
You don’t feel worthy. You feel like a project. And when you’re not performing, producing, or proving yourself? You feel anxious or even invisible. Because having your sense of who you are exist at the whims of the world around you is not an emotionally safe way to live.
2. Fear of Being Fully Seen
When you’ve been taught to present a curated version of yourself in order to be loved, authenticity feels risky. Vulnerability feels unsafe. So you learn to hide – your flaws, your fears, your mess. You may also learn to hide your accomplishments, your confidence, and your competence because those, too, may cause you to lose access to love, warmth, and safety.
The result? You never feel fully known. And you start to believe that if anyone ever saw the “real” you, they’d reject you. (side note: that is the very CORE of shame) So you stay busy. Polished. In control. But deeply disconnected – from others and from yourself.
3. One-Sided or Performative Relationships
You’re likely the friend who always shows up. The partner who over-functions. The daughter who carries the emotional weight of the family. And you’re exhausted. Because the love you receive still feels earned – never freely given.
Reciprocity is often a foreign language. You might stay in relationships where your needs, wants, desires, and dreams are secondary or ignored entirely, because some part of you still believes: “This is as good as it gets.” Or worse, “I don’t deserve more.”
Okay, So How Do We Heal?
The good news? You don’t have to stay in this pattern. Healing is absolutely possible – and it starts with awareness and small, consistent acts of self-compassion.
1. Inner Child Work (Yeah, We’re Going There)
You have to go back and meet the younger you – the one who first learned that love was a reward for good behavior. That little girl needs to know she was always worthy of love, even when she messed up. Even when she wasn’t perfect. Even when she had big feelings.
This work can include:
- Journaling from the perspective of your inner child.
- Writing letters to your younger self (allowing your adult self to offer the care and love she needed).
- Guided visualizations or meditations that help you offer compassion and validation to younger you.
It can feel a little awkward at first. Especially if you’ve never even used the word “journal” as a verb before! But it’s powerful. Because healing your adult self starts with healing the beliefs that little girl took on as truth. You are worthy of the time and effort this process requires, I promise you.
2. Build Relationships That Offer Safety, Not Demands for Performance
Start noticing which relationships make you feel safe and seen – and which ones make you feel like you have to shrink, hustle, or prove. Consider how you feel when you leave people’s presence and whether or not you feel any reluctance when it comes to spending time with them.
Do a little audit:
- Who affirms you when you’re just being, not doing?
- Who holds space for your emotions without trying to fix or judge?
- Who makes you feel like you can exhale?
- Who are the people who come to mind when it’s time to celebrate yourself?
Prioritize those relationships that nourish you. The ones that make you feel warm. The ones that make you feel cherished. The ones that make you smile when you think about those people and the time you spend together.
And don’t be afraid to gently back away from the ones where love feels like a transaction; where you’re not 100% sure that they’re gonna be on your team if you don’t behave in exactly they want.
3. Find Professional Support That Gets You
Knowing that a problem exists, is only half the battle (shout out: GI Joe!). However, working to untangle all of this is incredibly difficult to achieve on your own. You don’t have to. A skilled therapist – especially one who understands the cultural, racial, and gender dynamics at play – can help you unpack these early wounds and create new, healthier ways of relating.
But here’s the truth: finding the right therapist can feel like dating. It’s not always a quick swipe-right situation. That’s exactly why I wrote a book to help you do it intentionally and well.
Ready to Begin Healing? Start with the Right Therapist.
If any of this resonated with you – and you’re ready to find a therapist who truly gets you – my book is the perfect first step.
📘 Finding YOUR Person: The Busy Black Woman’s Guide to Finding the Right Therapist for You
Available now in print (on Amazon) and ebook (on my website) formats.
This guide walks you through:
- How to know what kind of support you actually need
- What questions to ask potential therapists (and what red flags to watch for)
- How to find culturally competent care that aligns with you
Because you deserve support that honors the whole you – not just the parts of you that perform well.
A Final Word: You Were Always Worthy
You were never supposed to earn love by being perfect. Or useful. Or impressive. You were supposed to be loved because you exist.
The beauty of doing this work now – of naming, unpacking, and healing – is that you get to rewrite that script. You get to learn, maybe for the first time, what it feels like to be loved just as you are.
No strings attached.
